Trust me

Cal:        How many people in this world do you trust? How many?
Rea:       I don’t know. Ten…six.
Cal:        Well, when you get to my age, there’ll be three.

Lie to Me, Season 1

I don’t live in a TV drama, but this conversation started me thinking about how many people I truly trust.  The answer –  Zero.  Not one.

That answer, when it came to me, was both shocking and disappointing.  There is no one in my life who I trust 100%.  I’m not suspicious of everyone on every occasion, but each person I know has the capability of deception in one way or another.  Some I wouldn’t trust alone with a boyfriend, others I wouldn’t trust with my finances, still others, whether consciously or not, may not have my best interest at heart and some have ulterior motives influencing them.

Why am I so mistrustful of friends and family?  Part of it comes from my abusive less-than-ideal childhood – I realize that.  I have trust “issues” which is common for people who grew up in a family like mine.   But in addition, I’ve seen the lying and cheating first hand.  I’ve seen the flirting when someone’s back is turned, I’ve seen people dishonestly deal with their family on money issues, I’ve seen spouses keep secrets from each other.  Let’s not even talk about infidelity.

I want to trust.  I would love to have three people that I could trust.  I had one – an ex-boyfriend – whom I trusted completely.  We’ve lost touch, but should he appear on my doorstep tomorrow, I would be fearless to lend him my house, my car, my friends or my money. He’s a good man.

p.s. to Short Batch – I trusted you, but you just had to look.  How do you feel seeing my guts splattered across the page?


I’m an Idiot Girl

I’m writing this, sick to my stomach.  Ashamed to confess this, here, after the posts below, but also realizing this is the one place I can be completely, totally honest.

I met my new guy online.  Since we’ve begun going out, I’ve only gone back to the site to read my emails.  I haven’t been searching, I haven’t been responding.  I’ve been considering taking my profile down.  I’m enjoying the new guy’s company and I have no desire to continue the search.  I received an email this morning and when I logged on, I saw it – my new guy was “Online Now!”  Okay….I can’t say it didn’t sting, but what’s good for the goose is…well…I was online, he should be able to be online as well.  But the difference is he STAYED ONLINE.

I logged out. I logged back in.  He was online.  I logged out.  I logged back in.  He was still online.  I logged out again.  I logged back in.  Guess who’s still online?  I know…a little compulsive, but I just admitted I’m an idiot girl.

It’s like a car accident.  I don’t want to look anymore.  My heart feels like a brick in my chest and I feel so stupid.  We spent the weekend together.  We have plans for Thursday.  I was thinking about him on the way to work this morning – while he, obviously, wasn’t thinking about me at all.

My rational mind tells me I shouldn’t panic, that I shouldn’t feel hurt.  It’s only been a few weeks, we’ve never spoken about exclusivity (although I could argue that actions speak otherwise).  He’s getting out of a 20+ year marriage – of course he wants to see what’s out there.

But my mind also tells me that he doesn’t think I’m good enough – why else would he still be looking?

I’m sick and sad and deflated.

Cheating Hearts

I have a friend who is fond of saying, “every man cheats”.  This is his way of justifying his roving eye (and dick).  However, I don’t know that he’s that far off.  I’d say 70 percent of married men cheat at least once in their marriage.  Statistics says it’s between 40% and 60%, but cheating men lie as well, so I’m sticking with 70 percent.

Does this mean we’re doomed to be cheated on?

I look at it this way:  Walmart is the most popular store in the US and McDonalds the most popular restaurant.  Although common and popular, it doesn’t mean either establishment represents quality. Men who cheat are the Walmart or McDonalds of relationships.  They may be ubiquitous, but that doesn’t mean I have to give them my patronage.

Polygamy and polyamory are receiving a lot of air-play these days.  I was against the practice of polygamy, thinking it contributed to the subjugation of women.  My feelings have changed.  If men and women want to practice polygamy, let them.  It’s more forthright than cheating.