A stuffy nose and warming fever have been my companions since Tuesday evening. In consequence, my insatiable appetite has abandoned me for the moment. My bathroom scale is finally tipping the other direction after my astonishing and obdurate weight gain (2 months ago!) in Italy. Four pounds gone and 3.5 to go – I hope this is good riddance permanently.
I’ve been sick as a dog.
I’m writing this, sick to my stomach. Ashamed to confess this, here, after the posts below, but also realizing this is the one place I can be completely, totally honest.
I met my new guy online. Since we’ve begun going out, I’ve only gone back to the site to read my emails. I haven’t been searching, I haven’t been responding. I’ve been considering taking my profile down. I’m enjoying the new guy’s company and I have no desire to continue the search. I received an email this morning and when I logged on, I saw it – my new guy was “Online Now!” Okay….I can’t say it didn’t sting, but what’s good for the goose is…well…I was online, he should be able to be online as well. But the difference is he STAYED ONLINE.
I logged out. I logged back in. He was online. I logged out. I logged back in. He was still online. I logged out again. I logged back in. Guess who’s still online? I know…a little compulsive, but I just admitted I’m an idiot girl.
It’s like a car accident. I don’t want to look anymore. My heart feels like a brick in my chest and I feel so stupid. We spent the weekend together. We have plans for Thursday. I was thinking about him on the way to work this morning – while he, obviously, wasn’t thinking about me at all.
My rational mind tells me I shouldn’t panic, that I shouldn’t feel hurt. It’s only been a few weeks, we’ve never spoken about exclusivity (although I could argue that actions speak otherwise). He’s getting out of a 20+ year marriage – of course he wants to see what’s out there.
But my mind also tells me that he doesn’t think I’m good enough – why else would he still be looking?
I’m sick and sad and deflated.