Is he really pushing through my thoughts again? Is it because of my period? Maybe it’s the time of year or maybe it was the lackluster date on Wednesday.
Life has be going fairly well – work is keeping me busy, I’ve been spewing out my guts to the therapist, I’ve been taking my meds, my ex hasn’t been foremost in my mind – until today. It’s been a hard day – there’s something about warm, lazy afternoons that bring the memories back stingingly into my gut. These are the types of days that we would enjoy a leisurely breakfast, grab the fishing poles and spend the afternoon catching bluegill and drinking a chilled bottled of white wine with the sun on our backs.
Since he left…since I “fell apart”…since my “depression” (what I think of as my “emotional explosion”), I’ve noticed that I’ve suddenly gained unwanted period symptoms – today is the first day of my period and I’m just this side of weepy. I’ve always had bad cramps, but now, since the “explosion”, my emotions also seem out of control during the first few days Auntie Flow visits. The pain and bloating are just a few inches lower than that place that he left hollow when he left me (my solar plexus). Maybe these two areas are just too close together, maybe they’re part of the same pain.
Today, I hate him. I hate him for making me start over again – my life was complete with him. I don’t want to start over with the online dating, the emails from the unsuitables, the potentials who just stop writing and the dates that disappoint. I don’t want perfect summer afternoons spent alone.
I went on a date on Wednesday – a quick two hours for drinks. Nothing about him struck my interest or my desire. I could have left after the first drink. Am I blocking the chance because I’m not over my ex – or is this man really not right for me? I’m giving him a second chance next Saturday, but I think it’s hopeless. I’m starting at the begining again, I don’t want to, and today, it hurts.
Three steps forward, eight steps back.