Trust me

Cal:        How many people in this world do you trust? How many?
Rea:       I don’t know. Ten…six.
Cal:        Well, when you get to my age, there’ll be three.

Lie to Me, Season 1

I don’t live in a TV drama, but this conversation started me thinking about how many people I truly trust.  The answer –  Zero.  Not one.

That answer, when it came to me, was both shocking and disappointing.  There is no one in my life who I trust 100%.  I’m not suspicious of everyone on every occasion, but each person I know has the capability of deception in one way or another.  Some I wouldn’t trust alone with a boyfriend, others I wouldn’t trust with my finances, still others, whether consciously or not, may not have my best interest at heart and some have ulterior motives influencing them.

Why am I so mistrustful of friends and family?  Part of it comes from my abusive less-than-ideal childhood – I realize that.  I have trust “issues” which is common for people who grew up in a family like mine.   But in addition, I’ve seen the lying and cheating first hand.  I’ve seen the flirting when someone’s back is turned, I’ve seen people dishonestly deal with their family on money issues, I’ve seen spouses keep secrets from each other.  Let’s not even talk about infidelity.

I want to trust.  I would love to have three people that I could trust.  I had one – an ex-boyfriend – whom I trusted completely.  We’ve lost touch, but should he appear on my doorstep tomorrow, I would be fearless to lend him my house, my car, my friends or my money. He’s a good man.

p.s. to Short Batch – I trusted you, but you just had to look.  How do you feel seeing my guts splattered across the page?

Ebb and flow – and lessons for learning

There’s an ebb and flow to this relationship.  I’ve just surfed the dazzling flow of this weekend and stand facing the ebb-tide of another work week.  I profoundly feel the waxing and waning encompassed within the days. I need to trust in this natural rhythm – that the tide will grow strong again.

Trust, trust, trust – my Achilles’ heel.  This is a timely lesson for me.

Trust

Trust is a precarious ledge upon which we stand. We teeter there buoyed by faith that nothing will cast us to the rocks below.  Repeatedly, we step to the precipice with confidence that all will be well.  How should we approach the trust of someone who has disappointed us more than once before – blindly, warily, or not at all? We have such ceaseless confidence in our fellow human beings.  We want this time to be different and yet, there we find ourselves, fractured on the rocks once again.  Which is worse – to be hurt repeatedly or to lose our faith in trust?