My gut has brains

I fucked up. That’s what happens when you make decisions while drinking.

B-locks, a friend of my ex’s, has been sniffing around lately.  My first reaction was NO WAY, but then, instead of trusting my gut, I listened to friends and coworkers.  My best friend thinks I play it too safe and I’m an idiot not to ‘go for it’ but I ask, what good could possibly come of it? The thought of starting a relationship with B-locks literally made me sick to my stomach – I like him, but I couldn’t get the image of my ex out of my mind.  My gut said “stop” and I didn’t listen.

Well, between my best friend and B-locks, they somehow convinced me to open the door to the possibility.  B-locks asked me to his show last night.  I decided to give him a chance. As I was getting in my car, he texted me, “Your ex just showed up.”  (cue music:  Dah Dum!)

Right then, I should have just returned to my house.  But, I had just said good-night to a failed blind date and – I had been drinking.  I don’t use my inebriation as an excuse, but it definitely lubricated my inhibitions.  The thought of my ex’s shock at seeing me, letting him know that his buddy wanted me, having him realize I had a new svelte figure, excited me.  I wanted to distress him and make him remember that I DO still exist.  B-locks wanted me to bail out, but I didn’t.

It was a disaster.  I didn’t see my ex, which was the only saving grace (thank god!), but I ran into one of his friends, who mentioned my ex five times in our two minute conversation. B-locks kept me in the parking lot, out of site.  I was an idiot in front of B-locks and his buddy – I made a fool out of myself in every way possible. Drunk. Crazy. Woman.

Today, B-locks isn’t calling me, texting me, or sending emails.  My phone is deafeningly quiet.  He’s realized I’m not worth the trouble.  My ex, who probably knew I was there, is unfazed. But me, I feel exceedingly foolish.   Part of me wants to email B-locks, to apologize for my insanity, but I realize that’s just going to guild my craziness lily. It’s best to just keep quiet and move on. I profess to hate drama, but then why did I go? Why do I want to call him?

I hate myself today.

An email from a vendor I’ve worked with who knew the whole story…

courtesy of shartinthedarkmysteries.com

“Lastly, I hope you will get some answers from XXX – just a crappy way to deliver a breakup.  You are such a fantastic person, beautiful inside and out – he is a fool to think there is anything more or different out there.  It will be his MAJOR loss in the end.  Idiot!!!”

I’m an Idiot Girl

I’m writing this, sick to my stomach.  Ashamed to confess this, here, after the posts below, but also realizing this is the one place I can be completely, totally honest.

I met my new guy online.  Since we’ve begun going out, I’ve only gone back to the site to read my emails.  I haven’t been searching, I haven’t been responding.  I’ve been considering taking my profile down.  I’m enjoying the new guy’s company and I have no desire to continue the search.  I received an email this morning and when I logged on, I saw it – my new guy was “Online Now!”  Okay….I can’t say it didn’t sting, but what’s good for the goose is…well…I was online, he should be able to be online as well.  But the difference is he STAYED ONLINE.

I logged out. I logged back in.  He was online.  I logged out.  I logged back in.  He was still online.  I logged out again.  I logged back in.  Guess who’s still online?  I know…a little compulsive, but I just admitted I’m an idiot girl.

It’s like a car accident.  I don’t want to look anymore.  My heart feels like a brick in my chest and I feel so stupid.  We spent the weekend together.  We have plans for Thursday.  I was thinking about him on the way to work this morning – while he, obviously, wasn’t thinking about me at all.

My rational mind tells me I shouldn’t panic, that I shouldn’t feel hurt.  It’s only been a few weeks, we’ve never spoken about exclusivity (although I could argue that actions speak otherwise).  He’s getting out of a 20+ year marriage – of course he wants to see what’s out there.

But my mind also tells me that he doesn’t think I’m good enough – why else would he still be looking?

I’m sick and sad and deflated.