Neuroses Knocking

It’s been rough going yesterday and today.  My company is changing the reporting structure of my job.  It’s not good news.  I was upset yesterday – upset to the point that I started crying at 2 a.m. and couldn’t get back to sleep until after 4:30 this morning.

I sent the guy a text as soon as I found out.  His son was graduating from High School yesterday.  I realize it was bad timing; I KNEW it was bad timing, but I needed him.  He said he couldn’t talk – said he was having drinks and dinner with the “whole” gang (which means his ex and her family too).  He said he would call me later.  He never called.

It’s noon on day two and I still haven’t heard from him.  I feel my dating neuroses kicking into high gear again.  Where’s my Xanax?  Can I go back home and crawl under the covers?  I’m sure its just my fragile state after hearing the news about my job (didn’t I promise myself I would never become attached to a job again?) – and my insecurity regarding his relationship with his ex.  I’m certain, once she realizes what she left behind, she’ll want to come back to him.  A 30-year-old line cook isn’t going to keep her interest for long.  And me?  I don’t stand a chance against her. She’s hot, funny, smart, thin, the mother of his children – and they were together for 22 years.  He just wants his life back the way it was.  She can give that to him.

It didn’t help that from 2 to 4:30 am this morning I was watching reruns of Sex in the City.  I stared at the screen, relating, as Carrie never gets what she needs from Mr. Big.  Realization crept in as I nodded quietly to her frustrations.  If I don’t look too close, our relationship is great, but once I put it under the microscope, this is what I observe:

  • We’ve been dating for over eight months and I think he’s used the term “girlfriend” to describe me three times.
  • The last time he’s told me his feelings, it was New Year’s and he said “I like you, a lot.” Nothing appears to have changed since then.
  • His daughter (his favorite kid) and father (his favorite parent) are in town for the graduation, but he hasn’t made any move to introduce me.
  • He hasn’t started divorce proceedings and hasn’t talked about doing so in months.
  • Lately, I feel more like his “buddy” than his lover.
  • He talks about his ex often – not necessarily in a fond way, but her name comes up frequently.

I’m hurting today, I need him and he’s not here.



Melancholy Flower:

image courtesy of

Or Melon Cauliflower:

image courtesy of

image courtesy of

I was feeling melancholy yesterday.  A culmination of canceled evening plans, a hauntingly quiet day in the office, too much rain and my gloomy musical choice eventually sent me home to a darkened room, blanket, couch and a long nap. Today, I hope, will be better.

Am I having a Zoloft Moment?

I’ve been in what my mom would call a “foul” mood lately – as in, “Phoren, you’re in a foul mood today”.  Bitter and cynical, I’ve been in no frame of mind to do much of anything – and everyone is irritating me. I can barely stand the presence of my coworkers. Sullen, I’ve spent every day this week with my office door tightly closed to the world. The less interaction the better. Last weekend’s activities bored me, I passed on celebrating my 3 year old nephew’s adventure-park birthday this weekend, I was a no show at the culinary school’s alumni party and I canceled a catering for tomorrow.

That little voice in my head kept asking, “Could it be Depression?” Curious to find a reason for my ennui, I looked up the symptoms last night:

1. persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
2. loss of interest or pleasure in activities, including sex
3. restlessness, irritability, or excessive crying
4. feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
5. feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
6. sleeping too much or too little, early-morning awakening
7. appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
8. difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
9. thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
10. persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

So, my friends, am I burned out – or clinically depressed? I still don’t know. Yes, my mood has been “empty”, but I’m not persistently sad or anxious. I have had a loss of interest in activities, but a little sex in my life might be just what the doctor ordered! I’ve already confessed to being irritable and pessimistic, but I’m not spending my evenings crying, full of guilt, worthlessness or helplessness – just splayed out on the couch with the remote. I’m feeling hopeless only in regard to my love life – you would be, too, if your only choices were middle-aged, bald and paunchy. I’ve always slept too much and, yes, I do feel like I’ve gained weight, but that has more to do with my recently sedentary life than overeating. I WISH I was waking early in the morning and suffering weight loss (THAT would make depression worthwhile!). Lastly, no I don’t have thoughts of suicide – just killing the idiots around me.

So, maybe it’s not depressions after all. Does anyone have a cure for malaise?

Before Sunset

I watched Before Sunset again last evening …and, once again, I cried.  I immediately watched it once more for a third time – and cried again.

I’m not sure why it makes me so sad.  You ask me if I see myself in Celine.  As always, I’ll tell you,  “No”, but that’s a lie – or at least a cop out.  No, I don’t see myself in the naturally beautiful, angelic, smart and interestingly complex woman that is Celine, but I do see myself in the way she sees and reacts to love and relationships (at least who she has become nine years later in Sunset).  The following could have been thoughts stolen from my brain…

Céline: I mean, I always feel like a freak because I’m never able to move on like (snaps her fingers) this! You know? People just have an affair or even…entire relationships…they break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed brand of cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I’ve been with. Because each person have…their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost.

Each relationship when it ends really damages me; I never fully recover. That’s why I’m very careful with getting involved because…it hurts too much!. I guess when you’re young…you just believe there’ll be many people with whom you’ll connect with. Later in life you realize it only happens a few times.

You know, couples are so confused, uh lately. I think it must be that…men need to feel essential, and they don’t anymore. Because it’s been imprinted in their heads for so many years that they had to be the provider…like I, I’m a strong independent woman in my professional life. I don’t need a man to feed me but I still need a man to love me and that I could love, you know.

Jesse: Is that why you’re in a relationship with somebody who’s never around?

Céline: Yes, obviously, I can’t deal with the day to day life of a relationship. Yeah, we have, you know, this exciting time together and then he leaves, and I miss him, but at least I’m not dying inside. When someone is always around me, I’m like suffocating!

Jesse: No, wait, you just said that you need to love and be loved…

Céline: Yeah, but when I do it quickly makes me nauseous! It’s a disaster… I mean I’m really happy only when I’m on my own. Even being alone…it’s better than…sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely. It’s not so easy for me to be all romantic. You start off that way and after you’ve been screwed over a few times…you…you…you forget about all your delusional ideas and you just take what comes into your life. That’s not even true I haven’t been…screwed over, I’ve just had too many blah relationships. They weren’t mean, they cared for me, but… there were no real…connection or excitement. At least not from my side.

Jesse: God, I’m sorry, is it…is it really that bad? It’s not, right?

Céline: You know what? Reality and love are almost contradictory for me. It’s funny…every single of my ex’s…they’re now married! Men go out with me, we break up, and then they get married!

You know, I want to KILL them!! Why didn’t they ask ME to marry them? I would have said “No”, but at least they could have asked!! But it’s my fault, I know it’s my fault, because…I never felt it was the right man. Never! But what does it mean the right man? The love of your life? The concept is absurd; the idea that we can only be complete with another person is…EVIL!! RIGHT??!!

You know, I guess I’ve been heartbroken too many times. And then I recovered. So now, you know, from the starts I make no effort…because I know it’s not going to work out, I know it’s not going to work out.

I’m so miserable in my love life, in my relationship, I always act as… like…you know, I’m detached, but I’m… I’m dying inside. I’m dying because I’m so numb. I don’t feel pain, or excitement. I’m not even bitter, I’m just…uh…

Yes, exactly.

This film also makes me sad because my deeply romantic side wants the story to be possible – that they meet after nine years, pick up where they left off, willingly sacrificing marriage and parenthood and a life in another country to finally be together.  Unfortunately, I’ve lived as long as Jesse and Celine plus ten years and I know that these fairy tale endings don’t really happen.  Love is never strong enough to usurp fear and a sense of duty.  Even if he left his wife, he would never leave his son in New York to live in Paris and Celine would never leave the Paris she loves.

It’s funny,  I remember the film ending with Celine saying “Baby, you are gonna miss…that…plane…”.  I completely forgot that he responds with “I know”.   The “I know” gives us more hope that he does stay – and more than just one night.  It gives us hope that he decides, at that moment, that whatever the cost,  he cannot lose her again.  But I didn’t remember that – I remembered only that Celine brings him back to the moment of reckoning, ending on the ambiguous note.

As Jesse says about the ambiguous ending he’s written and whether they meet again in six month –

I think how you answer that, you know, is, uh…You know, it’s… It’s a good test. Right? If you’re a romantic or a cynic. I mean, uh, you think (pointing at the female reporter)…you think they get back together, (pointing at a second male reporter) you don’t, for sure, and (pointing at the questioner) you hope they do, but, you know, you’re not sure so that’s why you’re asking the question.

I’m afraid I’ve become the cynic – and perhaps that, finally, is what makes me so sad.

Blue Monday

I’m sitting here at my desk, staring unblinkingly at my computer screen.  My eyes burn from the harsh glare and a restless night.  It’s so hard to sleep after a shift at the steakhouse.  My fingers leave grease-marks on the keyboard.  I’ve liberally lubricated my digits with Bath and Body Works Wild Honeysuckle lotion – an unsuccessful attempt to massage the aching pain in my hand.  I’m not sure why my hand hurts these days – is it the beginning of arthritis or just a normal consequence of an unfamiliar grip on my chef’s knife?

My door is shut – today, I prefer this silent cocoon to the chatter outside this room.  My lack of sleep has left me emotional and fragile.  I haven’t heard from him.  I’ve concluded that he’s not interested.  I’m disappointed – I wanted to know him better.  I think we’d be a good fit.  However, it takes two.  On top of that, a good friend, who emails daily, has gone quiet on me.  It’s quite odd – one minute he was talking to me…and the next he was not.

Today, I feel Abandoned.