Gorge-ous Day

enstrom

I just devoured a shredded beef chipotle burrito the size of a small child and followed it by gobbling down a giant slab of Enstrom almond toffee (the best!).  It’s raining outside today and I started my period.  Sometimes,  you just have to gorge a thorny day away.

 

Imprinted

On the walkway outside my door is this shoe print.  Over the months, I’ve passed by it hundreds of times, whether it’s to slide inside my car to drive to work or stepping over it to carrying out the trash to the curb.  It used to make me smile, this insignificant print, knowing what it meant to me –  until the day  he left.  Of course, it’s HIS shoe print.  Suddenly, its meaning changed.  It was mocking me,  needling me, another little daily reminder not allowing me to move on.  I waited patiently  for the first rains of Spring to rid me of this remnant of him.  Finally, the rains poured down for days, rinsing the dusty trees and the roofs and clogging the streets  with winter muck and leaves.  The sun finally came out and dried up my neighborhood – and, to my amazement and disappointment,  the print was still there.  There have been half a dozen rain storms since he left, and after each one, I step out of the house, glancing at the ground,  hopeful that this last downpour will be the one that wipes the print, and another piece of my memory of him, away. Each of these mornings dash my hopes – I find it still there.

A friend asked, “is it pointing towards the house or away.”  Frankly, I never noticed.  I looked the other day – the answer is “away”. He was walking away.

This weekend, I grew tired of waiting for nature to help me get over him.  My mind has Wellbutrin and my pantry has Simple Green.  So…

and then…

There’s a scrub brush swirl where the print once was. Maybe someday I will have to remove that, too. But for now, this was enough.

Days since I’ve contacted my ex:  53

Days since I’ve searched for my ex: 5

What I am grateful for:  a life where I can take a Saturday afternoon nap.

It hurts when I do this! – Then stop doing that!

This weekend was a low – worse than the first one without you.  I’m not sure why – maybe because I’m due to start my period or maybe because it has been two months, or maybe it’s just because of the rain (I loved listening to the rain wrapped in your arms) – or just my lack of sleep last night.

It started last evening.  I went to the gastropub, drank a glass of wine and ate some short rib tacos, my first meal of the day.  No one talked to me.  The wine went straight to my head – I guess that’s what happens when you don’t eat all day.  My first desire, upon leaving the bar, was to drunken dial you.  I wanted to tell you  that I missed you still and ask you how you cannot miss me.  I wanted to be in your arms again. I stopped myself.

This morning, it began with a short cry during my walk and quickly crumbled into despair.  I’ve been crying all day. I cannot stop – I couldn’t even go out because I couldn’t hold back the tears.  I un-hid your profile again to look at it.  It didn’t tell me anything.  I hid it back immediately afterwards.  I saw photos of you on Facebook – playing with the band. You look so good with your new haircut.  Are you losing weight, too?  You look as good to me as you did on our second date, waiting for me outside the restaurant – I fell for you right then. I took the freeway to your town in the afternoon.  That’s the first time I’ve done that.  Yes, I’ve been “searching” for you.  I know I’m not supposed to, but I’ve lost all perspective this weekend. I’m a mess tonight.

I miss you.  I had been waiting for you for so long and I finally found you, and I was so happy with you – and you don’t want me.  I never expected that. I don’t want anyone else – I don’t even want to look.  I know you can’t save me – that you won’t save me,  that I have to save myself.  I am lost.

STATS:

Days since I’ve contacted my ex:  20 days

Days since I’ve searched for my ex: 0 days (relapse)

What I am thankful for: iBooks.

Pleasures

First kisses
Perfectly cooked crispy bacon
Being brought coffee in bed
My kitty, purring
The scent of freshly cut grass without the noise of the mower/blower
Twittering finches
Babbling brooks
The warmth of the sun on my back
The air when I drive by the cookie factory
Fresh rain on dusty blacktop
Crescent moons on clear, chilly nights
Spooning in the dawn hours
The sound of my pencil on paper
Nutella, spooned straight from the jar
Crackling fires in Autumn
Being loved – despite all my faults
7 am Saturday morning – when I realize I have hours more to sleep
A new haircut
Holding hands
Spaetzle, fried crisp in butter
Nonsensical conversations in bed
Lindor Milk Chocolate Truffles
Napping to the sound of the washing machine
The very last center bite of buttery cinnamon sugar toast
Watering the backyard, barefoot, on a warm summer evening
Wind chimes in a gentle breeze
Sun-warmed tomatoes, straight from the vine

Melancholy

Melancholy Flower:

image courtesy of whaticaught.com

Or Melon Cauliflower:

image courtesy of itslife.com

image courtesy of bigoven.com

I was feeling melancholy yesterday.  A culmination of canceled evening plans, a hauntingly quiet day in the office, too much rain and my gloomy musical choice eventually sent me home to a darkened room, blanket, couch and a long nap. Today, I hope, will be better.