I seem to have turned a sudden corner. Since Thursday, I’ve been feeling okay – not zip-a-dee-do-dah happy, but not pining and crying over love lost either. There are stretches of time when I’m not even thinking about him, although there’s still stretches of time when I do, but these times see shorter…and not as sad. I’m not constantly thinking I see his car on the freeway (a silver Altima – do you KNOW how many of those fucking cars are out there? I do!) Of course, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop – thinking it’s a phase and I’ll be back to my old sad-sack self some morning. Perhaps my depression has turned into manic-depression and I’m beginning my manic phase. God, I hope not!
So, what happened to make this change? I honestly don’t know. My Psychiatrist thinks the Wellbutrin finally kicked in. My Therapist thinks it has something to do with my newly landscaped backyard (not a euphemism – I just landscaped my backyard on Wednesday) and/or the fact that I connected my feelings of “unwanted-ness” from my father to my feelings of “unwanted-ness” from my ex. I, personally, think it’s because I ate a sandwich.
Days since I’ve contacted my ex: 62 (4 days to go!!)
Days since I’ve searched for my ex: 14 (Long road on this one)
What I’m grateful for: my beautiful newly-landscaped backyard
I seem to be doing better this week. I was afraid I was going to need some Wellbutrin. That would be a first. Of course, I’m traveling for work – it’s easier when I’m not at home. I almost cried today. Almost, but I held it back. I told my older sister that he left me. I should have told her earlier; she made me feel better. She said that he would be back – that he would see what’s really out there and realize what he had. I don’t know that I agree with her. He says he never goes back, that it’s sentimentality that brings one back to past loves, that the “problems” that drove them apart are still there. I believe him, but I like the idea of him having a few awful dates and realizing what he let go. Although there are a lot of cute girls out there – and I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks he’s a catch.
Could I take him back? I could take the man I spent the last 16 months with back, but not the one I’ve come to know this last month. Who is the real one? Both? Neither? Perhaps we weren’t right for each other in the long run, but we’ll never know, will we? All I know is that he had my heart, that I found his faults endearing, that I never grew tired of him. I’ve never felt that before – not a year and a half after I’ve dated someone. For me, he was special.
I’ve been talking with someone online for the past few weeks. Cute, probably not something serious, but someone worth a date, at least. I’m giving up, though. He’s been traveling for weeks (or so he says) and he is finally home, I’m home on Sunday, and suddenly he’s going away again. He says we should get together next week. I’ll see if he comes through, but no more emails from me. I’ve grown tired of the back and forth without any resolution. I don’t have time for games.