SCENE ONE: 2:16 a.m. after their eighth date, a couple are entwined on the couch, an empty bottle of wine and two wine glasses are located on a table in front of them. A small bowl of homemade truffles sits between the glasses.
[kissing, kissing, kissing]
Him: “It’s late. I should probably go home soon.”
[more kissing, kissing, kissing]
Me: “Do you want to go home…or do you want to sleep here?”
[continued kissing, kissing, kissing]
Him: {silence}
Me: “It’s not a trick question.”
[more kissing, kissing, kissing]
Him: {silence}
Me: “Okay…I’ll answer for you. You want to go home.”
Him: {silence}
[kissing, kissing, kissing]
Him: “I guess I owe you some sort of apology or explanation.”
Oh god, please don’t apologize. That will make me feel like more of a lusty sexual deviant than I already do. And, as far as an explanation, what could you possibly tell me that would make me feel better about getting shot down for sex? I either don’t want to know or – if you have a valid excuse – this situation just became way too complicated for me.
I don’t let him give me an excuse, but I manage to think up a few of my own.
10 reasons he won’t sleep with me:
1) He finds me unattractive
2) He’s transgendered or gay and hasn’t worked up the courage to tell me
3) He has a secret girlfriend and he doesn’t want to “cheat” on her
4) He thinks sex will make me too “attached” [It won’t]
5) He’s bad in bed
6) He thinks I’ll be bad in bed
7) He has an STD
8) He thinks I’ll make him stop sleeping with other people [which is true]
9) I stink [armpit, cooch and breath check!]
10) He has ED or some other medical issue that precludes the horizontal mambo
SCENE TWO: It’s 6:00 p.m. the next evening. The same woman, alone, is curled up on the couch wearing her pj’s. Two cats sleep soundly beside her. On her lap is a platter of these cookies that she is devouring – one by one and without regret. Sometimes – most times, actually – the easiest company is our own.
Apricot Pocket Cookies
Ingredients
- 6 Tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
- 4 ounces cream cheese, softened
- ¼ cup sugar
- ¼ teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 cup all-purpose flour
- ⅓ cup apricot jam
- ¼ cup finely chopped walnuts, toasted
- 1 egg, beaten
- 2 Tablespoons turbinado sugar (like Sugar in the Raw)
- ¼ cup chocolate chips
- 2 Tablespoons powdered sugar
Directions
- With an electric mixer, beat the butter, cream cheese and sugar until fluffy. Mix in the vanilla extract. Gradually add the flour, mixing until just incorporated (don’t overmix).
- Remove the dough from the bowl and form it into a 1” thick scare. Wrap in plastic wrap and chill 1 hour.
- On a lightly floured work surface, roll the dough into a rectangle 9” x 12”. Cut the dough lengthwise into 3 strips 9” x 4”. Spread each strip with apricot jam and sprinkle with walnuts. Starting from the long side, roll each strip into a log. Wrap in plastic wrap and chill 30 minutes.
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Slice each log into 1” pieces and place on a parchment or silicon lined baking sheet. Brush with beaten egg and sprinkle with turbinado sugar. Bake until golden brown, 22-25 minutes.
- To decorate, melt chocolate chips in microwave, stirring every 30 minutes until smooth, about a minute. Drizzle cookies with chocolate and dust with powdered sugar.
