Thai Peanut Chicken Rice Bowls

A white bowl with composed salad and chopsticks

Today’s Musings:
It’s a new year and time to shove 2020 out the window, welcoming a fresh start.  The following handful of posts are a series, written a lifetime ago, that track my journey from a painful breakup with a man I adored, to the shock of discovering the truth behind his mask, to glimpsing the depths of his depravity, and finally acknowledging my own error in blindly trusting him.  This tale ended long ago, but only now am I ready to disclose it – and perhaps help others who find themselves in a similar situation. Thank you to those who shared evidence and convinced me to tell my story.

The Final Chapter

“First it hurts, then it changes you.”
– unknown

When you begin researching covert narcissists and realize you’ve endured this form of emotional abuse, the first descriptor you’ll likely come across is “victim.”  “Emotional abuse” and “victim” – those two words punch you in the gut and knock the wind out of you. When you first hear the V-word, your blood may freeze in your veins; you’ll most likely be in disbelief.  The tough, female warrior inside you may scream, “That’s not ME. I am not a victim!” Yet, this word clings to you, like the sour smell of booze after a night of too much drinking.  In our world, victims are seen as weak, helpless, unwilling to take responsibility for the role, however small, they may have played in this reprehensible charade.  No one wants to be the victim, but that’s what you are.  You unwittingly gave yourself to a con-man, an emotional con-man, who never cared about you, never loved you, and only saw you for what he could “get” from you – nurturing, sex, status, or money – each of these creatures is looking for something different to feed their ego. It is a disorder and this sickness makes him incapable of significantly bonding with anyone – even fabulous you. 

This will be the most difficult concept for you to comprehend – no matter what he whispered in your ear, no matter how sincere he sounded in the moments when he gazed into your eyes, no matter how many little kindnesses he did for you, it was all an act; he never cared about you. You’ll want to hold on to these little moments as “proof” that you made him feel something, but they are lies.  In his world, you are not special – you are replaceable, something to be used up, like a tube of toothpaste. The charming, good-guy mask he’s been wearing can only stay in place for so long. Finally, it will slip and you’ll be left hurting, alone, and profoundly confused. Where did Mr. Wonderful go? With the final discard, you will feel his tangible lack of empathy or remorse – when he is done with you, he is DONE. 

As you learn more – and you will – researching what just happened to you is part of the process victims of narcissists go through –  watching YouTube, reading books, listening to podcasts, joining Facebook support groups, maybe even talking to a Therapist – you’ll begin to hear the word “survivor.”  Survivor sounds tough, strong, invincible. Being labeled a “survivor” provides hope.  At first, you’ll think it’s just a dolled-up euphemism for “victim,” that shameful stench that still swirls around you.

So, are you a victim or a survivor? 

You are both.  The language we use has significant impact on how we view ourselves and how the world views us.  The word “victim” focuses on what has been done to us and, in the beginning, this is unfortunately where we need to focus.  A victim has been damaged and mistreated; they are defined by the pain that has been heaped upon them by the narcissist. Their strength and resilience has been assaulted and may even feel non-existent.  Victims are divorced from their power.  On the other side of this trauma is where the survivors dwell – and you will make it to the other side.  Survivors acknowledge the abuser for the pathetic creature he truly is. We’ve processed the disbelief, the hurt, the anger, the realization that people like this actually exist. We recognize that narcissists are incapable of feeling loving emotions and acknowledge our humiliation that, for all our savviness, we fell for their con.  A survivor moves forward, stronger and changed.  We not only continue to live, but we grow and prosper, sharing our human emotions the narcissist can only fake. As survivors, our power is reclaimed, and the narcissist, for us, shrivels into nothing and dies.

Today’s Recipe:

Thai Peanut Chicken Rice Bowl


    Cucumber Salad
  • 1 cup cucumber, thinly sliced
  • 2 Tablespoons green onions, thinly sliced
  • 2 Tablespoons rice wine vinegar
  • 2 teaspoons soy sauce
  • 1 teaspoon sesame oil
  • ½ teaspoon sugar
  • ⅛ teaspoon salt
  • Peanut Dressing
  • ¼ cup bottled peanut sauce
  • 2 teaspoons rice wine vinegar
  • 1 teaspoon sesame oil
  • Rice Bowl
  • 1 cup cooked brown rice
  • 1 cup edamame, sprinkled with salt
  • 1 cup cooked chicken breast, thinly sliced
  • 1 bunch cilantro, roughly chopped
  • Sriracha Sauce (optional)


  1. Make cucumber salad: Combine all ingredients and let marinate for at least 30 minutes.
  2. Make peanut dressing: Whisk together all ingredients.
  3. Divide rice between four bowls. Arrange edamame, chicken and cilantro on top of rice. Add marinated cucumbers.
  4. Drizzle with peanut dressing and sriracha, if using.


Hot Buttered Rum

Hot Toddy

Ah, December, when my reclusive side is not only tolerated, but exalted. When crackling fires, naps with kitties and piled blankets equal bliss and HBO loses to a Rankin-Bass animated holiday special – you know…Heat Miser, The Island of Misfit Toys, “Put one foot in front of the other.” Don’t pretend like you don’t still watch them.

December is also the month when this recluse can rationalize drinking a nightly mug of this decidedly decadent soul-warming beverage to abate the chill. I’ve been serving this spiked indulgence, which we’ve nicknamed “Hot Bubba,” for almost 30 years.

Hot Buttered Rum


  • 1 pint gourmet Vanilla Bean Ice Cream (softened)
  • 8 oz. Light Brown Sugar (by weight)
  • 8 oz. Powdered Sugar (by weight)
  • 8 oz. Salted Butter (softened)
  • ½ teaspoon (generous) Cinnamon
  • ½ teaspoon Nutmeg (freshly ground)
  • ½ jigger Rum or Spiced Rum
  • ½ jigger Brandy
  • Boiling Water
  • Freshly ground nutmeg for garnish


  1. Make Batter: Beat together ice cream, sugars, butter, cinnamon and nutmeg until butter is evenly distributed throughout ice cream. Store in freezer.
  2. Place 2 or more Tablespoons of batter into a mug. Add rum and brandy and fill mug with boiling water. Stir until batter is fully dissolved. Sprinkle with nutmeg before serving.
  3. Light the fire and let it snow.

Cranberry sauce with dried cherries and cloves

Cranberry Cherry Sauce

For all of November, and most of October if I’m honest, I’ve had a terrible bout of writer’s block. It’s not lack of topics, the “what,” that has me flummoxed; there are plenty of topics – big topics, sensitive topics and juicy topics. However, approaching them, the “how,” has confounded me for weeks.

So, as we move into December, I find myself tardy on both this recipe’s relevancy and the announcement of my not-so-recent career resignation after 15 years. I’ve spent the majority of the last two and a half weeks in my bathrobe without any rush to return to the workforce (or post, obviously).

Cranberry Sauce with Dried Cherries and Cloves

Original recipe from Bon Appétit


  • 2 ½ cups cherry cider or tart cherry juice
  • 1 8-ounce package dried tart cherries
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1 12-ounce package fresh cranberries
  • ¼ teaspoon (generous) ground cloves


  1. In a large saucepan, combine cider or juice with dried cherries. Bring to simmer. Remove from heat and let stand for 8 minutes to soften cherries.
  2. Add sugar, cranberries and cloves. Cook over medium high heat until cranberries burst, stirring occasionally, about 8-10 minutes.
  3. Refrigerate until cold, about 4 hours. Can be made 4 days in advance.


Kougelhopf is a classic yeasted dessert bread from the Alsace Lorraine region of France.


Today, a friend’s granddaughter was born. This morning, someone drove his baby boy to the hospital to remove a brain tumor. This afternoon, a friend’s faithful companion died. Today, someone celebrated being alive. I knew I’d spend the day entrenched in my kitchen bomb shelter, under the pretext of baking, but truly hiding from life’s bittersweet highs and lows. I reserved this weekend to unclutter my brain – sorting and classifying – following a week of heady realizations. However, by 10:00 a.m., I opted to linger with my messy meditations and concentrate instead on distraction through less-weighty things. So, rather than tackle life’s complexities, I delight in the simple phenomenon of dry yeast: inert-looking sand that vigorously bounds to life with the coaxing of a sprinkling of sugar and warm milk, transforming flour and water into bread. Yeast bread can’t be rushed; its requirement for patient tending diverts my brain’s workings for a while.


This specialty from Alsace can be served for breakfast or tea, and is not very sweet.


  • ½ cup raisins
  • ¼ cup kirsch or brandy
  • 1 cup milk
  • ¼ cup sugar + 1 Tablespoon
  • 1 pkg. dry yeast
  • ½ cup butter, softened + more for pan
  • 2 large eggs
  • ½ teaspoon almond extract
  • ¼ teaspoon salt
  • 2 ½ cups flour
  • ½ cup almond flour
  • 20 to 30 whole almonds
  • ¼ cup candied orange peel, finely chopped**
  • Powdered sugar


  1. Heat raisins in kirsch for 1 minute in microwave. Set aside.
  2. Heat milk for 1 minute until milk is between 107 and 110 degrees. Stir in 1 T. of sugar and yeast. Set aside for 10 minutes.
  3. In stand mixer, cream butter and remaining sugar. Add eggs, remaining milk, almond extract, and salt and mix well. Incorporate yeast mixture. Combine flour and almond flour and incorporate. Switch to a dough hook and mix for 5-7 minutes.
  4. Cover dough with a dishcloth and let rise for 1 hour in a warm place.
  5. Butter and flour a 9-inch bundt pan. Place almonds at the bottom of the pan in a decorative pattern. I use a bit of butter to help them stay in place. Drain raisins and combine with orange peel. Work the raisins and peel into dough.
  6. Spoon dough evenly into pan. Smooth dough, cover with dishcloth, and let rise again in a warm place for 30-40 minutes until dough is about an inch below the rim.
  7. Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
  8. Bake in oven for 45 minutes until golden brown and it sounds slightly hollow when tapped. Cool on a wire rack. Invert, remove pan and dust with powdered sugar before serving.

**I prefer homemade to store bought versions.

Pastel de Choclo

Chilean shepard's pie

I take my stroll at dusk, when the wild green parrots, squawking their loudest, flutter to an unknown destination through fuchsia skies. Over the subtle scent of dusty pavement cooling in the evening breeze, I detect distinct dinnertime repasts baking, bubbling, and broiling through open kitchen windows. My neighbors have arranged two card tables, end to end and draped in white linen, onto their driveway –al fresco dining in this part of town. I arrive back home as the crickets begin their serenade, filled with my own feasting expectations.

Pastel de Choclo

A Chilean shepherd’s pie with corn crust


  • ½ large onion, chopped
  • 2-3 garlic cloves, smashed
  • 1 lb. ground beef
  • 2 teaspoons smoked paprika
  • 1 teaspoon ground cumin
  • 1 teaspoon dried oregano
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • 2 hard-boiled eggs, cut in quarters
  • ½ c. raisins (softened in warm water)
  • ½ c. olives (I used Kalamata, but stuffed green would be good, too)
  • 1.5 c. shredded cooked chicken (I used rotisserie chicken)
  • 3 cups corn kernels (fresh or frozen thawed)
  • ¼ c. milk
  • 3 basil leaves, chiffonade
  • sugar


  1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Grease a casserole dish.
  2. In a frying pan, sauté onion and garlic in oil until slightly transparent. Add beef, breaking up large pieces and sauté until meat begins to brown. Remove garlic. Stir in paprika, cumin, oregano, and salt. Spoon into prepared casserole.
  3. Nestle eggs, yolk side down, into meat mixture. Scatter with raisins, olives and chicken.
  4. Puree corn in a blender or food processor. Add to frying pan and simmer until beginning to dry. Add milk and continue cooking until dry and darker in color. Add basil. Spoon corn over mixture in casserole, spreading evenly and sprinkle with sugar to help crisp crust.
  5. Bake for 20-30 minutes until top is golden brown. Finish under broiler, if needed.
  6. I serve this dish with a salsa of chopped tomato and chiffonade basil.