My gut has brains

I fucked up. That’s what happens when you make decisions while drinking.

B-locks, a friend of my ex’s, has been sniffing around lately.  My first reaction was NO WAY, but then, instead of trusting my gut, I listened to friends and coworkers.  My best friend thinks I play it too safe and I’m an idiot not to ‘go for it’ but I ask, what good could possibly come of it? The thought of starting a relationship with B-locks literally made me sick to my stomach – I like him, but I couldn’t get the image of my ex out of my mind.  My gut said “stop” and I didn’t listen.

Well, between my best friend and B-locks, they somehow convinced me to open the door to the possibility.  B-locks asked me to his show last night.  I decided to give him a chance. As I was getting in my car, he texted me, “Your ex just showed up.”  (cue music:  Dah Dum!)

Right then, I should have just returned to my house.  But, I had just said good-night to a failed blind date and – I had been drinking.  I don’t use my inebriation as an excuse, but it definitely lubricated my inhibitions.  The thought of my ex’s shock at seeing me, letting him know that his buddy wanted me, having him realize I had a new svelte figure, excited me.  I wanted to distress him and make him remember that I DO still exist.  B-locks wanted me to bail out, but I didn’t.

It was a disaster.  I didn’t see my ex, which was the only saving grace (thank god!), but I ran into one of his friends, who mentioned my ex five times in our two minute conversation. B-locks kept me in the parking lot, out of site.  I was an idiot in front of B-locks and his buddy – I made a fool out of myself in every way possible. Drunk. Crazy. Woman.

Today, B-locks isn’t calling me, texting me, or sending emails.  My phone is deafeningly quiet.  He’s realized I’m not worth the trouble.  My ex, who probably knew I was there, is unfazed. But me, I feel exceedingly foolish.   Part of me wants to email B-locks, to apologize for my insanity, but I realize that’s just going to guild my craziness lily. It’s best to just keep quiet and move on. I profess to hate drama, but then why did I go? Why do I want to call him?

I hate myself today.