Tag Archives: rebound

Rebound

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So, here we sit, across from each other.  My profile is down.  Your profile is down.  Saying, yet not saying, “I want to be with you…for now.”  Is that what you’re really saying?  I don’t know.

It’s tricky, this dance that we’re doing.  You are raw from your separation, still licking your wounds, still not aware of their depth.  You’re not ready to date, not really.  You have work to do.  But you’re trying – and I am your first.  I am “the rebound” and that scares me.  I don’t want to be hurt.

I like you, I think.  I haven’t liked a man in a long time.  You’ve been straight with me and there’s a warmth in you that draws me.  I desire you. Do we have anything in common?  I’m not so sure.  We both like music, but not the same kind.  You don’t like movies.  We’re both foodies, but how far can that take us?  We both like books, but we’ve already had that conversation.  I don’t surf.  You don’t garden. You introduce me to your friends – and I feel out of place.  Where do we go from here?

You need someone to mend your heart, your ego.  I don’t want you to see me as the antithesis of your ex, but as the person I am.  I want you to like me for me, not for how I’m different than her.  You don’t ask me those usual questions about past boyfriends and future hopes, likes and dislikes.  Am I merely there to fill the hole she left in you?

I tell you I like hanging out with you.  You say you do, too.  You say I make you happy. I try to play it cool.  I know one day I’ll say or do something (or perhaps for no concrete reason at all) that will make you flinch.  You will want to run, screaming “she is not what I want”.

So, I keep one foot out the door, taking it one week at a time.  I’m trying not to cling, not to panic. I’m trying to let this unfold naturally, not putting pressure on you.  I am the rebound and I’m scared.

His Scarlet Letter

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My new guy is branded with a scarlet letter…

“S” for “Separated”.  I didn’t think much of it when we first met.  Of course, I had some concerns about the length of the marriage – 22 years – compared to the shortness of the separation – 8 months, but he was upfront about it all from the very beginning.

Surprising to me, however, is the number of people who think it’s adultery to get involved with a separated man.  I would never, never date a married man, but I see no ethical quandary about sex and the separated.  SHE decided she wanted out.  SHE left him.  That’s as good as leaving a used couch in an alley – if someone else sees the vintage appeal in it, they’ve got every right to pick it up, clean it off and put it in their living room (wow, bad analogy!).  She let him go.

Still, I realize that dating the separated is sticky business.  The two biggest snags are what I call the “Two R’s”.  Numero Uno “R” is “Rebound”.  This guy has been with this same (hot, if you remember from my previous post) woman for 22 years.  It’s very doubtful that he wants to burrow right in to anything more than frivolity and fun.  It’s understandable, no matter how good our connection. I am the rebound chick.  The second “R” is “Reconciliation”.  Separated isn’t the same a divorced – she can come back.  He told me on our first date that she decided she wanted out – he wanted to make it work.  He didn’t want this.  He’s the injured party and I’m fairly confident he’d take her hot-ass back if that’s what she wants.

Further, I realize that he’s dealing with a lot of messiness right now – struggling with this new lifestyle, trying to stay cordial with his ex, dealing with a bewildered teenager and trying to come to terms with his grief. He says he’s ready to move on, but he could be in complete denial of how entrenched he still is.  22 years is a long time.  He’s got to be lost and fucked up.

Where does that leave me?  Vulnerable – the “V” word.  Spelled out above in black and white, my first inclination is to RUN.  I realize how bad my odds truly are.  But that’s just fear talking, isn’t it?  Fear of getting hurt.  We cannot live our lives in fear.  I would have just as much chance of getting hurt by a single guy who’s never been married.  There is just as much chance of his leaving.  Perhaps even a bit more, since he’s never been able to make a long-term commitment in the first place.  At least with Mr. Separated, I know he’s capable, even if he’s not quite willing.