Gorge-ous Day

enstrom

I just devoured a shredded beef chipotle burrito the size of a small child and followed it by gobbling down a giant slab of Enstrom almond toffee (the best!).  It’s raining outside today and I started my period.  Sometimes,  you just have to gorge a thorny day away.

 

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Balanced Meal and Mind

After a bout of melancholy that lasted through the weekend and into the new week, I’m feeling okay today (finally by Thursday!).

I think my therapist was a little concerned about how emotionally beaten up I seemed during my visit on Monday.  Heck, I was concerned.  Shouldn’t these drugs have kicked in 100% by now?  Shouldn’t I be walking on sunshine?  Frankly, I’m tired of talking and thinking and dreaming about him.  He’s gone.  I’ve got to get over it and move on with my fabulous life.

I did a little Google research today and I’m starting to wonder if part of this depression isn’t caused by my new limited, limited eating habits.

For me, food has always meant Love and Passion. I feed those I care about.  When I was dating him, eating was our favorite thing to do.  When he left, I lost all interest in food.  I LOVED food – the taste, the texture, the scent.  These days, I drive around aimlessly during lunch just trying to find something to eat that will stop the gnawing in my gut.  Nothing seems to excite me.  It could all be sawdust as much as I care what goes in my mouth.

The upside – and, yes, this IS an upside, I’ve lost 19.5 pounds over the last 3 months.  Just a half-pound to go and I’m done. Down 20 pounds.  I’m in a size 2 – and I’m happy about that, at least.  The body looks good – took a new photo for the online dating site:

The downside – the butt is flat – I just bought a bootie busting DVD so I can find my butt again. I need a butt for my new skinny jeans, right?

But, anyway,  I’ve been eating like crap and I’ve been feeling like crap, so today I had a little something with my breakfast coffee, had my mid-morning chai, ate a lunch with a bit more carbs and I’ve got plans for a good, healthy dinner.

I’m feeling better today – not laughing, light-hearted, Holly Golightly, but I’m also not ready to break into tears at the slightest provocation – or as soon as the therapist’s door closes.  Maybe it’s as simple as starting to eat again.

Days since I’ve contacted my ex:  57

Days since I’ve searched for my ex: 9 (although I did drive by some of his lunch haunts yesterday, but I didn’t stalk and I didn’t go inside)

What I’m grateful for:  Carbs

Yuck!

What the hell has happened to me?  I feel like shit today.  I’ve fallen off the wagon once again – work has been crazy and I’m not taking care of myself.  As I write this,  I have a huge headache on the left side of my head,  I slept wrong last night and pulled a muscle in my shoulder,  my skin looks like crap and I’m lethargic.  It serves me right – yoga seems to have fallen off my schedule yet again, I’m working ridiculous hours and I’ve been putting the most egregious things in my mouth.  Yesterday, for example, I had a mid-morning snack of bread pudding (gifts from a vendor), a carnitas burrito lunch (love my piggy) and a few handfuls of girl scout thin mints and Hershey’s kisses – all washed down with two tall lattes.  Yuck.

I know better than this – and it pisses me off that I can’t seem to pull myself together.

Losses

I’ve finished the last of my pre-packaged meal plan breakfasts and lunches today. I still have a few dinners – remaining from nights I’ve dined out. I lost another two pounds this week. I have three more to go without the crutch of the meal plans. I was worried I would gain it all back once I started Culinary School – that, I guess, will no longer be a problem.