Losing Faith

Today, I lost faith in Love.  It happened while driving from Starbucks to my office at 1:34 p.m. this afternoon.  I don’t believe it exists,  like the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus.

Too many times I’ve thought, “Is it?  Maybe?” only to have reality come smoosh me into the ground like an ant.

I’m tired.

I canceled plans with the online guy this weekend.  Something was up.  I didn’t hear from him for two days and I know he was online…and the way that he asked me out was odd.  I decided that two red flags do not equal a date.

I passed my 66 day milestone without contacting my ex on Saturday.  Of course, ironically, I wanted to call him and tell him the news.

Days since I’ve searched for my ex: 22 (44 to go)

What I am grateful for:  2 Benadryl +  ½ a klonopin = a good, long, much-needed sleep

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Where’d you go?

I broke down and looked at his new profile again.  I feel so stupid, weak, and pathetic.  I even made a fake profile for myself so he couldn’t see me looking.  Can you say “stalker”? This is not me.

P.S. – no one has contacted him this week on the site. 🙂

I need assistance on this journey back from hell, so I bought myself a present this week, a book  called “Getting Past Your Breakup:  How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You.”

I know, terrible name, like “Women who love men who hate women” or some other such nonsense, but the book is actually highly recommended – and the 60 or so pages I’ve read so far have assured me that 1) I’m not crazy 2) I don’t need to be medicated 3) all of these feelings are normal and 4) I am not alone. Whew!

I read a section last night called Pining and Searching.  Bingo! See above stalker moment.  The book says that “after any loss, the mind tries to put the world back the way it was. If someone or something is lost, there is an impulse to look for that person or thing…Pining and searching is the low point of grief…a normal and natural part of the grief process whereby the mind tries to suspend reality and restore things to how they were earlier.”

That’s it.  I’m trying to stay connected.  I’m trying to restore the un-restorable. It’s normal, no matter how crazy it feels to me.  The book also says to tolerate the desire to pine and search, but do not succumb.  So, I’ve got to work on that part. Damn Google – you make it so easy!

They book stresses an environment of NO CONTACT (NC) – including no searching, which is a form of contact, even if only one-sided.  An old boyfriend of mine said he was able to disconnect after a breakup by envisioning the other person as dead.  Following that lead, I went so far as to write an obituary for a long time boyfriend in an earlier post.  Maybe that’s what I need to do again – If he’s dead, there’s no reason to search.

At least, I have not driven by his house.