Tag Archives: love

Can’t you find me somebody to love?

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I just finished reading “The Lovely Bones” and I’ve been watching a TV show about a psychic medium.  I’m surrounded these days by these not-so-subtle suggestions that my passed loved ones are somehow watching over me.  Part of me wonders why they would want to – with multiple siblings and grandchildren, why would they watch me in my daily boring routine – wake up, work, drive home, TV, sleep.  And all those naughty things I do behind closed doors.

But let’s fantasize that they are watching – mom and dad, grandma and grandpa, and maybe even the two ex-boyfriends that have moved on (maybe they watch the naughty things).  Can they manipulate what’s going on down here?  Can they help me on my path to find love, or are they merely observers – watching me like we would watch an ant farm? Do they hold grudges?  Are they just unwilling to help?

I had a good week, but I am feeling melancholy today.  I thought about my ex on my morning walk – probably not a good way to begin the day – and I’ve just been feeling down the entire day.   I have three more hours of work to go, but I want to go home now.  It may have nothing (or everything) to do with my ex – or it may be spillover from my possible weekend plans/no plans…

I met someone online this week.  We decided to meet for drinks on Saturday.  His last email to me on Wednesday was “I’ll bounce back to you tomorrow” regarding when and where.  “Tomorrow” was yesterday and I never heard from him. I know he was online yesterday.  I saw that he updated his profile.  It’s 2 p.m. today and I still haven’t heard a word from him. How much longer do I give him before I blow the date off?

Red flag – if you say you’re going to contact me, then be dependable and contact me (my ex would at least do that).  So, I wonder, is this guy so wrong for me that my departed loved ones are ensuring I don’t go out with him?  Are they watching out for me? Do they work in mysterious ways? Should I trust the process?

And if they can help my life along, why haven’t they all gathered together to send me someone who will adore me and honor me and be faithful to me?  I’ve asked them – out loud.  I don’t pray to a god, but I’ve asked my loved ones to help me find the way.  Have they answered me?  Am I just not listening?

Days since I’ve contacted my ex:  65 day (one day to go!)

Days since I’ve searched for my ex:  17 days

What I am grateful for:  being able to shut the door and write a post.

It hurts when I do this! – Then stop doing that!

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This weekend was a low – worse than the first one without you.  I’m not sure why – maybe because I’m due to start my period or maybe because it has been two months, or maybe it’s just because of the rain (I loved listening to the rain wrapped in your arms) – or just my lack of sleep last night.

It started last evening.  I went to the gastropub, drank a glass of wine and ate some short rib tacos, my first meal of the day.  No one talked to me.  The wine went straight to my head – I guess that’s what happens when you don’t eat all day.  My first desire, upon leaving the bar, was to drunken dial you.  I wanted to tell you  that I missed you still and ask you how you cannot miss me.  I wanted to be in your arms again. I stopped myself.

This morning, it began with a short cry during my walk and quickly crumbled into despair.  I’ve been crying all day. I cannot stop – I couldn’t even go out because I couldn’t hold back the tears.  I un-hid your profile again to look at it.  It didn’t tell me anything.  I hid it back immediately afterwards.  I saw photos of you on Facebook – playing with the band. You look so good with your new haircut.  Are you losing weight, too?  You look as good to me as you did on our second date, waiting for me outside the restaurant – I fell for you right then. I took the freeway to your town in the afternoon.  That’s the first time I’ve done that.  Yes, I’ve been “searching” for you.  I know I’m not supposed to, but I’ve lost all perspective this weekend. I’m a mess tonight.

I miss you.  I had been waiting for you for so long and I finally found you, and I was so happy with you – and you don’t want me.  I never expected that. I don’t want anyone else – I don’t even want to look.  I know you can’t save me – that you won’t save me,  that I have to save myself.  I am lost.

STATS:

Days since I’ve contacted my ex:  20 days

Days since I’ve searched for my ex: 0 days (relapse)

What I am thankful for: iBooks.