Losing Faith

Today, I lost faith in Love.  It happened while driving from Starbucks to my office at 1:34 p.m. this afternoon.  I don’t believe it exists,  like the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus.

Too many times I’ve thought, “Is it?  Maybe?” only to have reality come smoosh me into the ground like an ant.

I’m tired.

I canceled plans with the online guy this weekend.  Something was up.  I didn’t hear from him for two days and I know he was online…and the way that he asked me out was odd.  I decided that two red flags do not equal a date.

I passed my 66 day milestone without contacting my ex on Saturday.  Of course, ironically, I wanted to call him and tell him the news.

Days since I’ve searched for my ex: 22 (44 to go)

What I am grateful for:  2 Benadryl +  ½ a klonopin = a good, long, much-needed sleep

Can’t you find me somebody to love?

I just finished reading “The Lovely Bones” and I’ve been watching a TV show about a psychic medium.  I’m surrounded these days by these not-so-subtle suggestions that my passed loved ones are somehow watching over me.  Part of me wonders why they would want to – with multiple siblings and grandchildren, why would they watch me in my daily boring routine – wake up, work, drive home, TV, sleep.  And all those naughty things I do behind closed doors.

But let’s fantasize that they are watching – mom and dad, grandma and grandpa, and maybe even the two ex-boyfriends that have moved on (maybe they watch the naughty things).  Can they manipulate what’s going on down here?  Can they help me on my path to find love, or are they merely observers – watching me like we would watch an ant farm? Do they hold grudges?  Are they just unwilling to help?

I had a good week, but I am feeling melancholy today.  I thought about my ex on my morning walk – probably not a good way to begin the day – and I’ve just been feeling down the entire day.   I have three more hours of work to go, but I want to go home now.  It may have nothing (or everything) to do with my ex – or it may be spillover from my possible weekend plans/no plans…

I met someone online this week.  We decided to meet for drinks on Saturday.  His last email to me on Wednesday was “I’ll bounce back to you tomorrow” regarding when and where.  “Tomorrow” was yesterday and I never heard from him. I know he was online yesterday.  I saw that he updated his profile.  It’s 2 p.m. today and I still haven’t heard a word from him. How much longer do I give him before I blow the date off?

Red flag – if you say you’re going to contact me, then be dependable and contact me (my ex would at least do that).  So, I wonder, is this guy so wrong for me that my departed loved ones are ensuring I don’t go out with him?  Are they watching out for me? Do they work in mysterious ways? Should I trust the process?

And if they can help my life along, why haven’t they all gathered together to send me someone who will adore me and honor me and be faithful to me?  I’ve asked them – out loud.  I don’t pray to a god, but I’ve asked my loved ones to help me find the way.  Have they answered me?  Am I just not listening?

Days since I’ve contacted my ex:  65 day (one day to go!)

Days since I’ve searched for my ex:  17 days

What I am grateful for:  being able to shut the door and write a post.

It hurts when I do this! – Then stop doing that!

This weekend was a low – worse than the first one without you.  I’m not sure why – maybe because I’m due to start my period or maybe because it has been two months, or maybe it’s just because of the rain (I loved listening to the rain wrapped in your arms) – or just my lack of sleep last night.

It started last evening.  I went to the gastropub, drank a glass of wine and ate some short rib tacos, my first meal of the day.  No one talked to me.  The wine went straight to my head – I guess that’s what happens when you don’t eat all day.  My first desire, upon leaving the bar, was to drunken dial you.  I wanted to tell you  that I missed you still and ask you how you cannot miss me.  I wanted to be in your arms again. I stopped myself.

This morning, it began with a short cry during my walk and quickly crumbled into despair.  I’ve been crying all day. I cannot stop – I couldn’t even go out because I couldn’t hold back the tears.  I un-hid your profile again to look at it.  It didn’t tell me anything.  I hid it back immediately afterwards.  I saw photos of you on Facebook – playing with the band. You look so good with your new haircut.  Are you losing weight, too?  You look as good to me as you did on our second date, waiting for me outside the restaurant – I fell for you right then. I took the freeway to your town in the afternoon.  That’s the first time I’ve done that.  Yes, I’ve been “searching” for you.  I know I’m not supposed to, but I’ve lost all perspective this weekend. I’m a mess tonight.

I miss you.  I had been waiting for you for so long and I finally found you, and I was so happy with you – and you don’t want me.  I never expected that. I don’t want anyone else – I don’t even want to look.  I know you can’t save me – that you won’t save me,  that I have to save myself.  I am lost.

STATS:

Days since I’ve contacted my ex:  20 days

Days since I’ve searched for my ex: 0 days (relapse)

What I am thankful for: iBooks.

He washed his hands of me

I found this email in my sent folder just now – and read it again before deleting it permanently.  I sent this on February 7, just a week after he broke it off with me.  He never responded.

I’m still very sad and miss us terribly.  And I’m flummoxed that you didn’t try talking to me about this before ending things so abruptly.  All you would have needed to say is, “I don’t have those strong feelings for you yet” or “You need to slow this down” or “I need us to continue as we are for a while” or “I need some time on my own before getting in another serious relationship” or “I like hanging out with you, but I don’t know it will ever go further than this.” I’m just confused as to why you chose to fly the plane directly into the ground rather than talk to me.  I guess you REALLY weren’t vested in our relationship. I ‘m astonished.

J.,  I’m sorry for continuing to bother you when I’m sure you would much rather just wash your hands of me, but I’m just trying to process and understand what happened and why.

A month and a half later, I’m still dumfounded that after the time we spent together he wouldn’t have the empathy to  respond to me. I’m also pissed at myself that I said “I’m sorry,” even in this context, He fucking deserves to be “bothered” and he definitely doesn’t deserve an “I’m sorry.”

STATS:

Days since I contacted my ex:            17

Days since I’ve searched for my ex:   6 (I almost did on FB today, but I stopped myself)

What I am grateful for: the homemade vegetable and bean soup that’s waiting for me at home tonight.

Nine Percent Chance

ROB  So, what, you haven’t definitely  decide to dump me?  There’s still a chance we’ll get back together?

LAURA  I don’t know.

ROB Well, if you don’t know, there’s a chance, right?  It’s like, if someone was in the hospital and he was seriously ill and the doctor said, I don’t know if he’s got a chance of  survival or not, then that doesn’t  mean the patient’s definitely going  to die, now does it?  It means he might live, even if it’s only a remote possibility.

LAURA I suppose so.

ROB So we have a chance of getting back together again.

LAURA Oh, Rob, shut up.

ROB Hey, I just want to know where I stand.  What chance —

  LAURA– I don’t fucking know what chance you fucking have!

 ROB Well if you could tell me roughly it would help.

 LAURA Okay, okay, we have a nine percent chance of getting back together.  Does that clarify the situation?

ROB Yeah. Great.

High Fidelity, 2000

Although I know the possibility of him wanting me back is slim, even less than Laura’s nine percent, I cannot help ruminating on it.  Usually, it happens in the morning, when I’m in the shower and putting on my makeup.  My whirring mind has made me late for work more than once these past few weeks.

Would I accept him back?  I don’t really know.  I loved him,  I truly did – and I miss him terribly.  But, can I really settle for someone who could treat me so indifferently as he did when he broke up with me?

I don’t know what he wants – and I probably never will.  I was so good to him, but he was willing to take being alone over being with me, so he must have thought it was bad, even though he never said a word and we never fought.

I need to move on.  I need to stop daydreaming about his return.  It’s over. It’s over. It’s over.

STATS:

Days since I’ve contacted him: 12

Days since I’ve searched for him: 0

What I’m grateful for today:  Going for a walk this morning.