Tag Archives: grief

Balanced Meal and Mind

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After a bout of melancholy that lasted through the weekend and into the new week, I’m feeling okay today (finally by Thursday!).

I think my therapist was a little concerned about how emotionally beaten up I seemed during my visit on Monday.  Heck, I was concerned.  Shouldn’t these drugs have kicked in 100% by now?  Shouldn’t I be walking on sunshine?  Frankly, I’m tired of talking and thinking and dreaming about him.  He’s gone.  I’ve got to get over it and move on with my fabulous life.

I did a little Google research today and I’m starting to wonder if part of this depression isn’t caused by my new limited, limited eating habits.

For me, food has always meant Love and Passion. I feed those I care about.  When I was dating him, eating was our favorite thing to do.  When he left, I lost all interest in food.  I LOVED food – the taste, the texture, the scent.  These days, I drive around aimlessly during lunch just trying to find something to eat that will stop the gnawing in my gut.  Nothing seems to excite me.  It could all be sawdust as much as I care what goes in my mouth.

The upside – and, yes, this IS an upside, I’ve lost 19.5 pounds over the last 3 months.  Just a half-pound to go and I’m done. Down 20 pounds.  I’m in a size 2 – and I’m happy about that, at least.  The body looks good – took a new photo for the online dating site:

The downside – the butt is flat – I just bought a bootie busting DVD so I can find my butt again. I need a butt for my new skinny jeans, right?

But, anyway,  I’ve been eating like crap and I’ve been feeling like crap, so today I had a little something with my breakfast coffee, had my mid-morning chai, ate a lunch with a bit more carbs and I’ve got plans for a good, healthy dinner.

I’m feeling better today – not laughing, light-hearted, Holly Golightly, but I’m also not ready to break into tears at the slightest provocation – or as soon as the therapist’s door closes.  Maybe it’s as simple as starting to eat again.

Days since I’ve contacted my ex:  57

Days since I’ve searched for my ex: 9 (although I did drive by some of his lunch haunts yesterday, but I didn’t stalk and I didn’t go inside)

What I’m grateful for:  Carbs

Wiped Clean

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I’m learning that this grief comes in cycles.  Mid-week, when I’m  busy,  it’s no more than a subtle malaise that covers everything, like a fine dust that remains after the West wind blows through my neighborhood.  The weekends are the worst, as they should be.  These were the times we spent together the most and I feel like a prisoner within my loneliness.

But,  to my surprise, Mondays are difficult as well.  Mondays, with the dashed hope of a new week, like waking from a bad dream but realizing it’s not a dream.  I’m here, he is not, and the week stretches out before me.  There will be no email waiting in my in-box, no text on my phone, no Wednesday night dinner date.

I wonder if he thinks about me.  While I am consumed with thoughts of him, I wonder if he ever pauses, just for a moment, and remembers us.  This weekend, there was at least three times when I wanted to tell him about something I saw or heard or read.  And he is not there – not as a boyfriend, as a friend or as an ex-lover.  He has wiped himself clean from my life – and it hurts.

It’s been just over three months (3 months and 3 days) since he left and, at this moment, I’m feeling as fucked up as the day it happened.  Some days are good days, and some are bad.  Today is a bad day.

Days since I’ve contacted my ex:  54

Days since I’ve searched for my ex: 6

What I am grateful for:  my appointment with my therapist tonight and Kleenex