I wrote this last weekend, but never managed to post it. After my words hit the page, I had a change of heart. My female friendships aren’t any more constant. We float in and out of our lives as time and situations allow. We know that sometimes work and life and new boyfriends pull us away. We are always assured, however, that we are friends forever. I should give him no less trust and allow him no less leeway.
A friendship with a married man is a tricky situation. I put myself in his wife’s place, knowing that I would be wary, at the least, and I try to act accordingly. I willingly take a secondary (or tertiary) standing in his life. “If you need to step away from this friendship, I won’t be mad, I’ll understand,” I recite to him repeatedly like a mantra.
…And then he does.
…And I wonder what I have allowed.
I don’t like this. He says it’s temporary; he’ll return. He doesn’t tell me when or why.
I feel put away and forgotten on a shelf. What makes him sure I’ll be here when he comes back? Doesn’t he realize he’s irreparably changed everything? Conversely, is it fair for me to adjust the rules now when he merely employed an option I’ve been offering consistently and readily all these years?
He must realize that this stepping back that allows him a new perspective allows me one as well. I muse on thoughts such as, “is this healthy, is this right, is this what I want?”