My therapist said something very insightful the other day (I promise, not all my posts are going to start with that sentence now).   She said that perhaps this breakup has affected me so strongly because, for once, I had both feet in the game.

Throughout my serious relationships, I’ve always felt like I’ve had one foot out the door (yes, this is also a line from High Fidelity).  I don’t think I’ve ever been fully committed.  I’ve always been looking for something better or always focusing on the reasons my relationship wouldn’t work.  This was the first time I was fully committed.  I saw an end to my dating life – I saw us growing old together – I had both feet pointed towards the future with him by my side.  I adored his quirks – yes, we had differences, but I saw them as challenges we would work through together.

We all know now that he didn’t feel the same. I can’t control that, no matter how much I wish I could.

But now I know –  I am able to commit.  When the right one comes along (and god let’s hope it’s not another 5-7 years, as is typical), I can commit myself to him.  I’ve learned how to put both feet in the game.  Right now, I can’t imagine finding another person like him, but someday, it is possible.

Days since I’ve contacted my ex:  52 days

Days since I’ve searched for my ex:  4 days

What I am grateful for:  That I had the courage to see a shrink and get meds that I obviously need right now.