Last night, I had a vivid dream where he told me that he had cheated on me –more than once – during our relationship.  In the dream, I went ballistic, screaming, raging and losing all control.  If I remember correctly, I think I may have even broken a few things and threw some punches. I felt completely betrayed and angry as hell.

I woke up troubled. I don’t think he really cheated during our relationship. He swore a vow of monogamy; it was very important to him and I believe he kept it.

But what did my dream mean?  I have two theories.  The first is that he slept with somebody last night for the first time since us.  You know how a mother “knows” when her child is in trouble?  Maybe I just felt it; that last pulling away from me.  It was a Friday night, he probably had a show, it’s very possible – the end to the end.

My second theory is a little more cerebral.  Maybe this was my mind’s way of giving me the chance to tell him off in a way that I’ve never been able to do.  I never had the chance to say my piece.  Remember, he called me at work to break up – and then wouldn’t talk to me afterwards.  Through these months, I constantly vacillate between my feelings about him and the breakup.  While I don’t feel anger towards him today, It’s been in there – and I do feel betrayed.  Maybe this was my brain’s way of letting it all out, safely snuggled between two pillows and my favorite blanket; to scream at the top of my lungs, “FUCKER!!”

Or perhaps he did sleep with somebody last night…it can’t be my concern any longer.

Days since I’ve contacted my ex:  40 Days

Days since I’ve searched for my ex: 20 Days, but every time I hear a car, I still look in the driveway, hopeful to see his car.

What I’m grateful for:  The view from my dining room window, with the sunshine and the birdies picking seeds from the spring grass.