He washed his hands of me

I found this email in my sent folder just now – and read it again before deleting it permanently.  I sent this on February 7, just a week after he broke it off with me.  He never responded.

I’m still very sad and miss us terribly.  And I’m flummoxed that you didn’t try talking to me about this before ending things so abruptly.  All you would have needed to say is, “I don’t have those strong feelings for you yet” or “You need to slow this down” or “I need us to continue as we are for a while” or “I need some time on my own before getting in another serious relationship” or “I like hanging out with you, but I don’t know it will ever go further than this.” I’m just confused as to why you chose to fly the plane directly into the ground rather than talk to me.  I guess you REALLY weren’t vested in our relationship. I ‘m astonished.

J.,  I’m sorry for continuing to bother you when I’m sure you would much rather just wash your hands of me, but I’m just trying to process and understand what happened and why.

A month and a half later, I’m still dumfounded that after the time we spent together he wouldn’t have the empathy to  respond to me. I’m also pissed at myself that I said “I’m sorry,” even in this context, He fucking deserves to be “bothered” and he definitely doesn’t deserve an “I’m sorry.”

STATS:

Days since I contacted my ex:            17

Days since I’ve searched for my ex:   6 (I almost did on FB today, but I stopped myself)

What I am grateful for: the homemade vegetable and bean soup that’s waiting for me at home tonight.

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