I’m writing here when I’m feeling sentimental and at my most vulnerable. Yes, I still think about him a lot, but not always in this sad saccharine “I want him back” way. Other times, I think he can go fuck himself – and other times I just don’t care at all.
I came across his profile again. Every time I see it, my heart jumps into my throat and a cold, clammy chill races down my arms. I cannot believe he’s out there again – that he chose the unknown and online dating to me – to us – and the comfortable, warm, caring relationship we had together (or perhaps I just thought we had together). I can hide his profile from coming up in searches, but I just can’t quite do that yet, although I’m sure he’s already done it to mine. I scroll through the other men out there and I think “meh” and then see his and think “yes, but not for me”.
I want a relationship – someone I can love and support and they feel the same about me. I want a partner to do things with, someone I can tell about my day, someone who thinks I’m neat-o and wants to spend time with me. I want someone I can curl into at night and sleep soundly. If he doesn’t want that, then, really, I don’t want him. The search, however, for that “new” someone isn’t a journey I want to take again.
I know I’m grasping, and he’s gone, and he’s not coming back, and by grasping I’m making myself miserable – but I cannot seem to find a clear path out. Writing about it helps, a little.