I’m having another relationship, but it’s all in my head. It’s the same guy from real life, except we’re having a much more tumultuous go at it in my grey matter. Oh, sometimes I wish my imagination weren’t so fecund! On Monday, we may decide it’s best if he moves in and we proceed to pack both our lives into one cozy house – happy day. On Tuesday, he reunites with his ex, brought together through a shared tragedy, and leaves me in the dust, wounded and aching. The next day, he might end it because he had no deep feelings for me and then, a few hours later, he’s romantically proposing marriage! What a roller-coaster of emotion! The bleak scenarios outnumber the pleasant ones 3 to 1, but they are both there – wrenching me back and forth throughout a single week, if not a single day. I’m trying hard to keep the emotions these thoughts stir up separate from our real life relationship, but, I confess, they seep over more often than I’d like to admit.
I wish I wasn’t one for ruminations. I wish I could just “be” in this relationship, taking it for what it is and not wanting more – or fearing the worst. I wish I could just get out of my head and experience “us” for a change.