On and Off

I’ve been quiet lately.  Not out of grief…not really.  I’m in an amelioration period, of sorts. Sitting beside a loved one as they leave this world and the aftermath isn’t merely mentally taxing, but it’s physical as well. I’m spent and have nothing to give.

This week, I’m a brittle paper cutout of my normal self. Yet, most of my circle doesn’t notice.  I get up (a little later than usual), I work (a little quieter than normal), I go home (a bit earlier than expected), I gel in front of the television (mindlessly) and go back to sleep (fitfully).

I have nothing to write.  My thoughts are not deep.  My yoga practice would help… so would meditation…and a long walk.  I don’t have the strength for any of that. Can’t I just say, “Fuck work, fuck my responsibilities, fuck my life”, and take time off somewhere to sleep, to find myself, to meditate – to shut down and reboot?

I’m usually a strong woman, but today, I’d like to crawl into someone’s arms and just stay there, for about a week, allowing them to fix me.  But it doesn’t work like that, does it?  I have to be cute and witty and charming and the caretaker and the vixen and the executive and the chef – I always have to be “on”.

Can I turn off for a while? Do I have that choice?