Contrition – or Oops, I did it Again


“I’ve finally read your blog and am left speechless.”


I’ve been dreading reading words like these one day.  Yesterday, the writer of them was E, but it easily could have been someone else.   I’m confident he was dumbstruck primarily in reaction to my post “My Spleen is Gone, Replaced by Hope”, but there are a few other blog tidbits that I’m sure left him without words as well. 


At this blog, I write what I feel, refrain from editing my sentiments and don’t “hide” posts later in remorse.  It’s the good, bad and ugly of me.  I am harsh, honest, spiteful, boring and sometimes just terrible – towards others and myself.  I’ve written things that will upset my friends and family, make them feel uncomfortable and I’ve written about personal things they probably don’t want to know.


No one else in my circle has ever found this site – but I now know someone obviously can. 

If E had asked me about my thoughts regarding him, our past relationship or our recent reunion, I would have been honest (as in this blog), but with a much more delicate hand.  Since we have reconnected, he has been nothing less than a good friend with pure heart, a champion of my dreams and a kindred spirit. He has been my friendly ear and someone whose opinion I value. We are not the same as we were.  I’m sure my post stung, and he did not deserve that. 


Today, I am chastened – truly sorry for hurting him and afraid that he’d shut me out for my transgression. He has not.  He says that anger is not what he feels; still I sense something irreversible has transpired between us. We continue on as friends, but it’s somehow different – the same, yet not. 


I am also feeling exposed and splayed before him – more naked and vulnerable than I’ve felt from our most fervent liaison.  Allowing him to discover the recesses of my body pales when compared to his uncovering my mind’s hidden niches these many years later.


He has promised to visit this site no longer to allow me to continue writing unbridled.  Regardless, I have found my voice and I need to be able to stand behind it without fear of repercussion from my reader, whoever they might be.