Have you seen the new commercial for the Schick Quattro Trim Style for women? Do you have any confusion about the purpose of this new beauty tool?  If so, just pay close attention to the commercial.  Throughout the ad, you will see bikini clad woman strolling past wildly overgrown “bushes” only to have the Quattro neatly trim them into “landing strip” bushes and perfectly groomed V-shaped bushes – as well as a few shapes I’ve never seen (squares and circles anyone?).  I’m not making this shit up!  Must we really dance so delicately around the feminine mystique?  Why beat around the “bush” (I couldn’t resist)?  Just say what the damn product is – a razor for your pubes. Very few women still go au naturale anyway (I hope) – and I’m sure every guy knows we landscape (and are happy for it). It’s the right tool for the job – right boys?

 Another commercial that’s driving me crazy is for Assurant Health.  The ad focuses on health insurance needs and how Assurant Health Insurance can help.  The first person straightforwardly talks about losing their job and not having health coverage (is this not embarrassing?).  The next woman secretly whispers the confession that she just needs to see her “personal” doctor once a year. Is it some secret that women have their own doctor called a g-y-n-e-c-o-l-o-g-i-s-t that we usually see once a year? For fuck’s sake!

I’m so sick of commercials dancing around female concerns as if they are unmentionable.  Men can talk about not getting an erection, and the Charmin bears can confront dingle-berries head on, but women must refer to odor as a “not so fresh feeling”.  Who decided blue liquid is less disturbing in a tampon commercial than, say, pink or red?  Perhaps it’s just me, but if I had a period that was blue, I would be VERY disturbed.

Bring Back Mr. Whipple

Is anyone else irritated by the current Charmin commercials?

The first commercial that bugs me is the one that states Charmin “doesn’t leave pieces behind”. The first time I heard it, I was in the kitchen chopping vegetables and not watching the TV. I thought “pieces” meant pieces of shit. I practically chopped off my finger – “What did they just say?!!” It took an actual viewing of the commercial to understand what they meant – but still, do you really need to sell TP by telling consumers your product won’t stick to their ass?

I also hate the “kids always take too much” commercial. First, if kids ALWAYS take too much, then it doesn’t matter if Charmin is more absorbent and you need less – because kids ALWAYS, regardless of absorbency, take too much. Also, the premise that kids always take too much is a sweeping generalization. I’m sure there are plenty of parents out there that taught their children how much toilet paper to use to get the job done – I know my mom did. Can I also talk about stereotyping for a minute? First, you have the kids ALWAYS taking too much demonstrated by the child bear scooping too much ice cream on her cone, then you have the hovering, over-protective mother bear who “always knows best” saving the child bear from an imminent ice cream mishap only to have silly poppa bear taking too much as well – proving once again that mom is the only practical, sensible, adult in the household.

What marketing genius comes up with these things – and, better yet, which P&G executive thinks they’re a good idea?

OK….if I’m perfectly honest, it also scares me a little bit that I’m writing a post about toilet paper commercials.