The Ugly Side of Me

“We have requested that all creditors prepare a concise description of any amounts(s) believed owing by the Company, together with relevant back-up documentation in support of the claim. The location to submit claim information is provided below, together with other contact information based on the nature of the inquiry.

If you are a creditor and you have not been contacted with a request that you submit a claim, please notify us per below and provide your address and other contact information so that you are included on future communications from CL.”

My former employer has filed Chapter 7 bankruptcy. It’s about time that holier-than-thou Mormon snake got his comeuppance. I’ve been waiting for sixteen years. It feels good.

I’ve also noticed that a frenemy’s Facebook page has been wiped clean of any mention of her super-great-wonderful-and-attractive boyfriend. His photos are gone and she’s no longer “in a relationship” with anybody. That makes me smile. HE was cool – SHE is not.

Merriam Webster defines “vengeance” as “punishment inflicted in retaliation for an injury or offense”. The antonym is “forgiveness”. The definition of “forgiveness/forgive” is “to grant pardon to” or “to cease to feel resentment against”.

How I would love to live in the world of forgiveness. How much prettier and more delicate “forgiveness” sounds than the heavier, spiteful “vengeance”. The path to freedom is forgiveness, but it’s not to be mine.

I don’t live the peaceful life of forgiveness. My need for retribution simmers long (sixteen years!) and hot within me. I would prefer to live a life of mercy, but I cannot. I believe in fairness and justice – “right” action receiving “right” reward. Forgiveness is anything but fair – you can be an asshole to me and I’ll pardon your sins. There is no justice there.

I don’t believe in “an eye for an eye” in all cases, but a little bit of worldly karma or retaliatory juju is often the best remedy for offences against me. I know I should have compassion for my ex-coworkers who lost their jobs or feel empathy for my “friend” who lost her man, but instead I feel a “correctness” in the final outcome. My ugly need for retribution has been satisfied – and it feels good.

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