One Step Back

Last night, I was frantically preparing for a catering job in my parent’s kitchen.  The menu required that I prepare over two dozen different kinds of appetizers in a matter of hours – and I was missing vital ingredients.  Where’s the Pinot Noir, damn it?

My mother stood by, watching, but not helping – she was silent.  I was overwrought and failing miserably at my fledgling attempt to use my newly forged skills.  I pleaded for my father’s assistance.  He stood by smugly, taking pleasure in my defeat.  He couldn’t resist pointing out where I had blundered. 

I managed to pull off a few dishes, perhaps six or seven of the 24 planned – and forgot about all of the desserts, four in total. It was a disaster. 

Then, I woke up. 

That dream left me unsure, unsettled, scared and very sad.  My first catering for 50 people is on Friday.  I was given the opportunity to cancel today – and I did.  Don’t be disappointed in me. I canceled, partially because of the dream, but mostly because of my fear…fear of failure, fear of not being good enough to pull it off.  It’s no coincidence that my parents were in the dream.  They did their best to build a foundation of certain failure within their children. Dozens of years later, their influence is still felt.  I hate myself for chickening out.  I hate my fear – I hate this insecurity.  But not as much as I hate failing.

I’m a textbook case.  This is what I read today:

Dreams of Being Unprepared
If you dream of being unprepared for something, it represents your fear of messing something up and failing. You may be worried and insecure that you don’t have what it takes to accomplish a particular task coming your way.

I’m not giving up.  I’ll have another chance.  For me, it’s baby steps – moving forward, but staying in my comfort zone.  I’m hopeful that one day I will get where I want to be; hopeful that maybe one day I can place this fear where it should be…hidden in the back of a drawer.

A friend asked me yesterday if Hope was ever a priority for me.  Some days, I feel like that’s what I survive on.  Hope is always a priority.

1 thought on “One Step Back

  1. Hey.. you either break the cycle or keep it going. It looks like your on the road to breaking it so good luck to you.

    I completely understand why you canceled your catering gig..

    Working in food is a fine line and it’s harder to build a good reputation then it is to get a bad one so go out there when your ready. I’m sure the steakhouse job will not only give you experience but also build your confidence.

    Because, fear aside, that’s the only thing your lacking!

    Much luck to you


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