I’m a woman of strong principles and beliefs. I live in a world of black & white, and only occasionally venture into shades of grey. Once I have set my mind, my resolution rarely falters. Sometimes, this serves me well; other times it’s a barrier.
Recent events have made me question whether one of my beliefs is still relevant and valid. For 18 years, I have held steadfast to this principle, perhaps to the detriment of my happiness, but in respect for another’s heart. I regarded this sacrifice as a small inconvenience to me in service of someone whose happiness, in as much as I could influence it, was my primary concern.
While I dare not go into details here, lest the wrong person read it, I’ve discuss my “matter of the heart” with a handful of friends. They all say essentially the same thing, “That was 18 years ago. Don’t be foolish. What are you waiting for? Live!” That idea literally (and I do mean literally) makes me sick to my stomach and heavy in my heart.
Is that sickness I feel truly my internal guide telling me that I’m in danger if I step forward, or is it an old response to an old habit that no longer serves me? How do I untangle that question? I feel that if I do “Live!” and it’s the wrong choice, my guilt will be unrelenting.
Today, my resolve is to take small steps, test the water, dip my toe and see if my stomach and heart continue to protest. I am scared – it is frightening to move into uncharted waters after having my feet planted so resolutely on solid ground.