N is visiting my city next week, although not to see me specifically. This trip’s been arranged for months and just happened to coincide with our re-connection (are coincidences truly coincidences? – a topic for another post). I’ve specifically not mentioned N recently because I’m uncertain on how to define the situation without sounding as if I’m frantically “paddling up denial”.
N and I are friends. Soul-friends? Is there such a word? If you can have a soul mate, how about a soul-friend? I haven’t seen him for over six years, but when his name comes up in conversation, I still use the words, “my dear friend, N.” I do not hesitate to say I love him – to you or to him. In our phone conversations, however, we’re realizing that we really don’t know much about each other. Consequently, our talks delve deep (N has never been one to play in shallow waters). But, with limited time, we are drilling deeply into small areas of our lives and are not able to touch on the vastness of our experiences. Time will hopefully solve this.
Our conversations make me smile and I’m left wondering, “Is friendship solely what I desire from him?” While I feel deeply for him, the feeling is not romantic. I look at his picture and feel no yearning to entwine with him (and, in a more practical vain, he’s living across the county and has a long-term girlfriend). “But”, I wonder, “What is this connection that I feel towards him?” It’s unique to our relationship and makes me hesitant.
So, N arrives next week, I’m taking a day off work and we will spend it together. Perhaps I will have more clarity when that day has passed.
P.S. N sent me the following poem last night. I’m posting it here (forgive me, N) because it captures much that I cannot in my words above.
the river behind the house is rumbling
distended from the heavy rains
and moving swiftly with great purpose
in the house above the river
a young (at heart) man is awake
he listens intently to the river
it reminds him of one he loves
who moved too fast for him to hold
but he will see her again
he will radiate all the warmth of the sun
he is not afraid of losing her
or chasing her away
She may disappear again
but she will be warmed
and she will smile
in this radiance