N and I connected later Monday night. We talked twice actually – our first call was hurried and stiff. How do you jam six years of your life into a 15-minute phone call? He buzzed me again later that night – after midnight for him – and our conversation flowed into its old comfortable, natural rhythm.
I have a nasty habit of eschewing real romantic relationships and keeping male friends close instead. They satisfy most of my needs and quell my desire for the missing pieces that a romantic relationship provides. Leaving Evangeline’s blog on August 18 was just what I needed to help me untangle my feelings for N. Anonymous’ story made me ask, “What do I REALLY want from this relationship?” Am I treating it like a potential long distance romance so I can stop the internet dating insanity? Do I want to be caught up in the fantasy so I can avoid the reality? My friend, T, recently met and married a woman within a short few months. We were extremely close but he has forgotten me since she arrived in his life. We haven’t talked in months. Am I trying to replace T?
What I want is N’s friendship – pure, true and shining brightly as it does. I miss him in my life. I miss his particular view of the world, his craziness, his cockiness. I don’t ache for him as a lover. I don’t desire a long distance flirtation. I don’t want him as a fantasy. I want this newness and flurry of calls and emails to settle into something solid, real and long lasting. I need to keep this in my mind – I want him as my friend.
Ooh…girl! I hope you are a stronger lady than I am. You seem to be…so good luck with your renewed friendship. It’s so exciting to reconnect with someone you have cared for in the past.
Every day I struggle with the mantra “we’re just friends”.
But your guy is single it sounds like. The only issue is distance maybe? Damn…I’d drive the 1200 miles, tonight, to Mister if that was the only thing standing in my way.
Anyhow, this isn’t about me. So, good luck…and, ummm…congratulations? I’m not sure if that’s the right word. But, yeah…umm…exciting stuff!