N and I connected later Monday night. We talked twice actually – our first call was hurried and stiff. How do you jam six years of your life into a 15-minute phone call? He buzzed me again later that night – after midnight for him – and our conversation flowed into its old comfortable, natural rhythm.
I have a nasty habit of eschewing real romantic relationships and keeping male friends close instead. They satisfy most of my needs and quell my desire for the missing pieces that a romantic relationship provides. Leaving Evangeline’s blog on August 18 was just what I needed to help me untangle my feelings for N. Anonymous’ story made me ask, “What do I REALLY want from this relationship?” Am I treating it like a potential long distance romance so I can stop the internet dating insanity? Do I want to be caught up in the fantasy so I can avoid the reality? My friend, T, recently met and married a woman within a short few months. We were extremely close but he has forgotten me since she arrived in his life. We haven’t talked in months. Am I trying to replace T?
What I want is N’s friendship – pure, true and shining brightly as it does. I miss him in my life. I miss his particular view of the world, his craziness, his cockiness. I don’t ache for him as a lover. I don’t desire a long distance flirtation. I don’t want him as a fantasy. I want this newness and flurry of calls and emails to settle into something solid, real and long lasting. I need to keep this in my mind – I want him as my friend.