N and I connected later Monday night.  We talked twice actually – our first call was hurried and stiff.  How do you jam six years of your life into a 15-minute phone call?  He buzzed me again later that night – after midnight for him – and our conversation flowed into its old comfortable, natural rhythm.  

I have a nasty habit of eschewing real romantic relationships and keeping male friends close instead.  They satisfy most of my needs and quell my desire for the missing pieces that a romantic relationship provides.  Leaving Evangeline’s blog on August 18  was just what I needed to help me untangle my feelings for N.   Anonymous’ story made me ask, “What do I REALLY want from this relationship?”  Am I treating it like a potential long distance romance so I can stop the internet dating insanity?  Do I want to be caught up in the fantasy so I can avoid the reality?  My friend, T, recently met and married a woman within a short few months.  We were extremely close but he has forgotten me since she arrived in his life.  We haven’t talked in months.  Am I trying to replace T? 

What I want is N’s friendship – pure, true and shining brightly as it does.  I miss him in my life.  I miss his particular view of the world, his craziness, his cockiness.  I don’t ache for him as a lover.  I don’t desire a long distance flirtation.  I don’t want him as a fantasy.  I want this newness and flurry of calls and emails to settle into something solid, real and long lasting. I need to keep this in my mind –  I want him as my friend.